Reflection Time

I've been reading a book by Brene Brown called the "Gifts of Imperfection."  One of the things it challenged me to do was to get more reflective time. 

Coincidentally my carpool of the last 3 years dissolved 2 weeks ago, so I've started riding the bus in to work again.  I was kind of dreading it, but it has turned out to be a good thing. 

First of all, I've started leaving my radio off in the mornings as I drive to the bus station.  I'm not sure if it was the book or my coach, or the guys I'm coaching that sparked this revelation, but it has been trans formative.  It has just carved out some space for me to think my own thoughts. 

Then, I started packing my journal in my work bag.  I've started praying/journal-ling on the bus ride into town.  This works especially well on the bus ride in.  Everyone is pretty low key.  Most of the bus riders are sleeping and it gives me about 20 minutes to focus on writing and structuring my thoughts. 

From there I have to walk to the light rail.  Lately with it being Fall here in Houston, the weather has been beautiful.  it takes me 10 minutes or so to walk from my bus drop off to the rail.  Again it's just quiet and reflective time. 

On the rail I do some people watching and think about my day.  I try to avoid reading email, but sometimes I give in. 

The surprising thing to me is how wonderful this has been.  My workday is spent putting out fires and then at home it's an ongoing series of distractions as well.  The trip in to work is significantly longer - about an hour and 15 minutes vs. 45 minutes in my carpool - but it is a forced slowdown time for me. 

I've tried having some reflective time over breakfast, but that's always interspersed with preparing lunch (I sack it most days), feeding cats, making breakfast, eating breakfast, kissing my spouse, brushing my teeth... not necessarily in that order.  Basically I've gone from an inconsistent 15 minutes rushed over breakfast to an hour and 15 minutes. 

The difference it's making in my life isn't completely clear yet.  I think I'm feeling more relaxed because I'm starting my day at a mosey rather than in a flurry.  I'll have to report back in a few months from now to see if I've been able to protect that time and to review the impact it's having on my life.

Jesus and Improvisational Theatre

Lately I've been working out my faith in new ways.  Trying to be like Jesus, rather than being religious.  And I've also gotten back into improvisational theatre... and this is really mixing in cool ways.  

Here are some of the basic tenants of improv:

1. Agree with your scene partner.  Don't deny it or ignore it.  Let it affect you.  You don't have to like it, just react to it honestly and authentically... and up the stakes.  
2. Make your scene partner look good.  Or alternately, don't screw your scene partner for a laugh.
3. Play!  Be in the moment.

Here are some core things in the Bible with an uncanny resemblance to the above: 

1. "...Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends."  Philippians 2:1-4 (The Message)
2. "Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead."  also in Philippians 2:1-4 (The Message)
3. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

Now, I may be taking these things out of context, but more likely, I'm molding the concepts of improv into my own worldview, a worldview that is making some significant changes.  

Cleaning up the mess

I started a new journey a few years ago.  In this new journey I am becoming a person of integrity.  That means I'm setting my chameleon aside.  I'm being who I truly am no matter who I'm with or where I am.  I'm learning to tell others the truth in a loving way, even if it isn't what I think they want to hear.  I'm learning to be comfortable with things that are uncomfortable.

One of the things that is very freeing to me on this journey is that being a person of integrity is NOT the same as being a person of perfection.  I'm not perfect.  But being a person of integrity, when I screw things up, I apologize.  I accept responsibility for my part in what got screwed up, AND (this is the part that really sucks) I do my part to clean up the mess.

So, I produce improvisational theatre shows on the side.  It's crazy, I know.  In fact, it may be completely insane.  I love it.  I had a show last weekend and I really wanted to pack the place out.  I hired a marketing person and delivered postcards to a bunch of bars in town.  I pushed my show on Facebook, Twitter, Yelp, and everywhere else who would have me.  And the audience turn out was small.  It was a good crowd, but I hadn't budgeted well and I dipped into our family savings to cover my losses.

I have a good job and make decent money.  One of the agreements we've made in our marriage is that we both pay for extraneous stuff that we want personally out of little side jobs and extra income.  That way we focus our main income on paying the big bills and putting some money away for incidentals.  Maybe it sounds weird, but it works for us.

So now my personal stuff (improv shows) has cut into our joint stuff.  And not in a small way.  I'm not going to be able to pay it back with my usual odd side jobs.  I would really like to ignore this fact and not have to live with the consequences.  After all, I worked my butt off to market the show.  But I'm not that guy anymore.  I'm committed to cleaning up my own messes.  So I drove by the local pizza joint tonight and filled out a delivery driver application.

And my internal dialog was rolling the entire time I was contemplating going back to doing some pizza delivery:

"C'mon.  Really?  This isn't that big a mess.  Just forget it."
"I'm better than this!"
"I have an MBA for Christ's sake, I don't need this shit."

That last comment finally pushed me over the edge.  Because I know that is NOT who I want to be.  I don't want to consider myself better than ANYONE else.  I don't want to think I'm above ANY job.  Just because I'm working a good job for a good company today doesn't mean I'm promised a job tomorrow.  So I'm going to be slinging pizza again for a while.  And eating some humble pie for a while.  And that's good.

Irresistible Ruination

Tonight I'm just feeling devastated by this book I've been reading - (see Irresistible Revolution).  Frankly I've been reluctant to read more because I'm my worldview is being so challenged by what I'm reading.

In his book Shane talks a lot about how Jesus lived and contrasts it with the way so many Christians live here in the USA.  We're steeped in consumerism so deep we don't even realize how thickly it dictates our lives.  Here's a quote that really hit me hard:

"I'm convinced that God did not mess up and make too many people and not enough stuff.  Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves." - Shane Claiborne

In my closet I have 10 pairs of shoes.  Bike shoes, 4 pair of dress shoes for work, running shoes, slippers, loafers, hiking boots, and a pair of cowboy boots.  And in this world there are many more people than I want to think about who would be happy to have just one pair of shoes.  I have shirts in my closet that haven't been worn in years, and there are those who would be happy to have just one good shirt to wear.

I live with my wife in a house with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  It is stuffed to the gills with all of our possessions and we've been wishing we had a bigger house with more space for more stuff.  And in Houston tonight 10,000 people sleep on the streets because they have nowhere to go.

So I can see this huge gap between the way I live and the way those in poverty and homelessness live.  And my brain is regurgitating all the cultural excuses my middle class upbringing has given me all 40+ years of my life.  And I'm seeing them as the thinly veiled excuses I use to ignore the problems and enjoy the privileges.  So now what the hell do I do?  This gap between what I am and what I should be is HUGE.  It's overwhelming.  Where do I even begin to seek forgiveness for my own blindness?  How do I start to get free of all my possessions and the consumer culture which seems to own my soul?

The answer is love.  I need to start there - I need to reach out to those who are poor and not just as a project.  I need to build relationships with them.  I need to LEARN from them - not teach them.  Where do I start, Jesus?  Where do I begin?

Irresistible Revolution

I'm on vacation in Tennessee this week and my aunt recommended the book Irresistible Revolution.  I bought the book last night and started reading it before going to bed.  That was a big mistake for two reasons:

1. This is a very thought provoking book that is really making me rethink the things I value.  Like all stuff I own. I have a feeling that if reading this book leads to me taking some action, it's going to cost me a lot more than the $2.99 for the book.
2. Reading thought provoking books before going to bed is just not a good decision to make.  Provoking thought and sleeping are mutually exclusive.  Thus, I was up until about 2am after reading the Introduction and the Forward.  Yeah - I didn't even start chapter 1.  Good thing I'm on vacation and can sleep in.

On the plus side, this book is hitting me in a deep place where I am right now.  Where I think a lot of Jesus' people are right now.  The religion I grew up with isn't cutting it.  I can't really square my beliefs with the politics of my nation.  I'm having trouble squaring the life of Jesus with the life I lead.  And I'm coming to a place where I'm going to have to make some hard decisions about how I live life going forward.  Am I going to continue making my own comfort and security the main goal of my life, or am I going to take on the big adventure of living life outside of that paradigm?

I really want to break out of my comfort zone and live in a new paradigm, but frankly, my stereo in my pickup is really going downhill.  A new one with bluetooth connectivity that would allow me to listen to the music on my iPhone wirelessly would be pretty kick ass.

Over a year ago I walked with a friend on the annual AIDS walk.  He works for a group who serves young men and women living with AIDS, many of whom are chronically homeless and struggling with various addictions.  We talked on the walk about some opportunities to teach life skills to his group.  I've practiced and coached improvisational theater for several years, and I think it might be a good jumping off place to talk about key life skills.  I haven't taken action on it yet, but beginning to read this book has encouraged me to take the first step.  I'm meeting with my friend next week to discuss how we might make this work.

Where the hell do I start?

For the past year or so I've been on a journey.  This journey hasn't been about taking me to some location, it's been about being who I was created to be.  To paraphrase Hebrews 12:1, it's about 'laying aside every encumbrance and sin and running.'  Running in freedom.  This is proving to be a deceptively tough journey.  In almost 42 years of life I have delved some pretty deep ruts, and the effort to turn from them is surprisingly large.  It has meant taking an honest look at myself and the secrets I hide behind.  It has meant questioning why I do things instead of just feeling sorry for myself for doing them.  And, most difficult for me, it has meant doing things that I have talked about or thought about. Doing them, and in most cases, not doing them well because I'm not used to actually doing them.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about.  In the Spring of 2011 I signed up to be a mentor for a young man.  I was excited about the huge difference I was going to make in this young man's life.  One of the commitments I made was to spend 4 hours with him monthly.  But - I live half an hour out of town and this young man lived in the inner city.  And finding time together was awkward and difficult. Several times I wasted MY precious time (and gas money) driving into town to meet up with my mentee only to be stood up with no explanation.  Hey - I'm an important guy with an important job.  My time is important.  And so I got angry and I let my commitments slide and eventually I quit.  Here are the things I learned.

1. Part of the reason I signed up to be a mentor was because it was something I felt like I "should" do.  I wasn't really sure about it, but it seemed like a good thing.  The problem with that kind of thinking for me is that I work from a place of obligation instead of from a place of decision.  "I should do that," is a LOT different than "I will do that."  In the first case the decision is not mine - I'm doing because it is what is expected, not because it is something I have decided.  
2. I'm stingy with my time.  I'm not super generous with my money, but I'm way more generous with that than I am with my time.  When someone wastes my time it really stirs me up.  What is embarrassing is that I don't reciprocate by valuing others time.  I've been noticing as of late that I tend to show up late to meetings at work, even though when others show up late to my meetings it really frustrates me.  This is something I've started working on - doing to others as I would have them do to me.
3. I set high expectations for myself and get very frustrated when they are not achieved quickly.  I'm a dreamer (I prefer the term visionary, but that is a bit excessive).  When I signed up as a mentor I had visions of teaching my mentee all sorts of stuff.  How to change the oil in a car.  How to fix a bicycle... The first few times we met we just didn't click.  Our relationship was awkward and fell far short of my expectations.  I got frustrated that things weren't going as I had envisioned.  I'm learning to hold my visions loosely and to give myself and others much more grace.  

Probably the hardest thing out of my mentoring experience has been picking myself back up.  I feel like I failed.  I did fail.  I want to say - "Well, I'll never do that again."  Instead I'm holding to Proverbs 24:16 - "A righteous man falls seven times and rises again..."  I'm getting back up.  I'm risking failure again, but with the lessons learned from the last fall.