Where the hell do I start?

For the past year or so I've been on a journey.  This journey hasn't been about taking me to some location, it's been about being who I was created to be.  To paraphrase Hebrews 12:1, it's about 'laying aside every encumbrance and sin and running.'  Running in freedom.  This is proving to be a deceptively tough journey.  In almost 42 years of life I have delved some pretty deep ruts, and the effort to turn from them is surprisingly large.  It has meant taking an honest look at myself and the secrets I hide behind.  It has meant questioning why I do things instead of just feeling sorry for myself for doing them.  And, most difficult for me, it has meant doing things that I have talked about or thought about. Doing them, and in most cases, not doing them well because I'm not used to actually doing them.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about.  In the Spring of 2011 I signed up to be a mentor for a young man.  I was excited about the huge difference I was going to make in this young man's life.  One of the commitments I made was to spend 4 hours with him monthly.  But - I live half an hour out of town and this young man lived in the inner city.  And finding time together was awkward and difficult. Several times I wasted MY precious time (and gas money) driving into town to meet up with my mentee only to be stood up with no explanation.  Hey - I'm an important guy with an important job.  My time is important.  And so I got angry and I let my commitments slide and eventually I quit.  Here are the things I learned.

1. Part of the reason I signed up to be a mentor was because it was something I felt like I "should" do.  I wasn't really sure about it, but it seemed like a good thing.  The problem with that kind of thinking for me is that I work from a place of obligation instead of from a place of decision.  "I should do that," is a LOT different than "I will do that."  In the first case the decision is not mine - I'm doing because it is what is expected, not because it is something I have decided.  
2. I'm stingy with my time.  I'm not super generous with my money, but I'm way more generous with that than I am with my time.  When someone wastes my time it really stirs me up.  What is embarrassing is that I don't reciprocate by valuing others time.  I've been noticing as of late that I tend to show up late to meetings at work, even though when others show up late to my meetings it really frustrates me.  This is something I've started working on - doing to others as I would have them do to me.
3. I set high expectations for myself and get very frustrated when they are not achieved quickly.  I'm a dreamer (I prefer the term visionary, but that is a bit excessive).  When I signed up as a mentor I had visions of teaching my mentee all sorts of stuff.  How to change the oil in a car.  How to fix a bicycle... The first few times we met we just didn't click.  Our relationship was awkward and fell far short of my expectations.  I got frustrated that things weren't going as I had envisioned.  I'm learning to hold my visions loosely and to give myself and others much more grace.  

Probably the hardest thing out of my mentoring experience has been picking myself back up.  I feel like I failed.  I did fail.  I want to say - "Well, I'll never do that again."  Instead I'm holding to Proverbs 24:16 - "A righteous man falls seven times and rises again..."  I'm getting back up.  I'm risking failure again, but with the lessons learned from the last fall.